Dear Lilac

Dear Lilac,

 I watch you pass me by every day, nonchalant, indifferent, so unaware of my presence. I look at you from a distance, trying to avoid your eye and not let you catch me catch a glimpse of you, and then again, I slap my forehead, to remind myself that you probably never will, even if I wanted you to, for once.

 I cannot help, but see the two of us, in a different light, in a different scenario, in a happier and more honest place. I see us together, in our sweet little world, so comfortable, happy and satiated in each other’s company, because that is all that we’d ever need. I see us, together, not only sharing the highs of life, but also sticking by each other’s side when the harsh winds blow. I see one of us fall down, and get up again with the support of the hand that shall always be there when the world and times challenge our strength and patience. I see us grow old together, share a drink and a few innocent laughs in memory of the time when we were so unaware that the world could ever blossom into such a wonderful place and so ignorant of our incomplete state of existence without each other.

  As I snap back to reality, I fade into the background again, for you never knew me, never acknowledged my existence and never let me through. I waited, patiently, persistently and painfully, for you to give me just one sign, say just one word or just give me the confidence which I always lacked, with a simple look of your eye. I am scared of your reaction; I know not the desires of your heart or the doubts of your mind. Each time I see you sad, I feel you could do so much better in my arms, where I would protect you from whatever causes you the most miniscule of misery or torment. But I am scared, I am doubtful and I do not wish to take chances with something that is so close to my heart, for even the slightest of disagreement over the issue will cause me to break and bleed until I wish to feel no more, nothing more.

All I can do is watch, and wait, for I am still waiting, for you to give me one hint, one moment, one chance. I have nothing, no concrete foundation to lay my hopes on; nothing to hang by, for your side of the story seems like just an uncertain and unfinished faint hope of my heart. I do not know what you feel, or if you even have the slightest idea about what turbulence these uncertain yet highly passionate thoughts cause in my ocean of emotions. Words seem to escape the wretched clutches of the tongue, and the echoes within my eyes seem to ricochet within their capturing walls, because you fail to see what I truly feel and what I want to say so desperately to you.

I feel so much for you, and have so much to say, if I only knew that you had an exclusive moment for me, which you’d gladly give to me without regretting it. I just need that sign from you, I am just waiting for you.

Unsent

Dear Red,

  I have often seen those American sitcoms, where two characters, both distraught with the incessant tries, highly unsuccessful ones, of searching for the ‘right one’, start having a drunken conversation about the common factor- their lost hope of hitting the target. They then go on, to drink even more, together however this time, bonding over misery, lack of love and stability, only to decide by the end of the night that if by the time they are 40 and still unmarried, they will marry each other, a contract/ decision/ moment of tom foolery rather, which makes their lonesome misery seem a little less morbid, and their lonely future slightly less lonely.

If right now, I were to make such a decision, and choose one person as my 40 year old groom, it would be you. I seem to find complacence in the thought of having you by my side, at the time where I will be at my neediest worst, seeking warmth and a hand to hold. The thought of having a future with you makes me feel very safe, something which brings a lot of relief and peace to a person as insecure and complex as me.

It all seems like a perfect painting, the Sun setting on our happy faces, when our heart’s warm glow seems to mirror the Sun’s natural and very consistent energy. The future, my perception, just brings a smile to my face, and the much needed thinly woven thread, by which I choose to hang and be happy about something which in all honesty I know, is quite improbable.

Even as I try to drown myself in my illusion of utter glee, the sharp edged needle of reality instantly bursts my balloon, even before it prepares to take off. I question myself, if the future seems so effortlessly pleasant, then why does the present not seem correlated to it at all? If I see us together, even in the most delusional of ways, then why can’t I do that at present? Perhaps because I know that the vision that I have for the future is a mere lie, which gives me solace owing to its candor of not being real ever. Hence not being capable of corrupt, disappointing or destroyed in any way, like most things in real life. I know that at 40, you will be a successful, married man, with a woman who deserves someone as honest and kind as you, with someone who is simple to understand, and who was lucky enough to be at the right place, at the right time, with the right balls and everything complying to the ‘right’ that I never was, never could be.

As I watch this chance slip right through my hands, I realize it is one of those times, where I could have done something, but chose not to all because of the fears and insecurities of my heart. When I watch you, all I can think of is being with you, sharing your life, being the reliable shoulder when you need it, and echoing your cheer whenever you indulge in a moment of your cute and carefree laughter.

Maybe I will regret it 20 years down the line, maybe I will beat myself up over and over again for letting the mere distance of a few words separate us further than any number of miles could have. We were there, together, in front of each other, and I just wasn’t brave enough to simply ‘say’ what I felt. Had I taken my chance, the huge burden of never knowing how things would turn out to be, would have not weighed my heart and mind down for so many years. How I wish, for once, you would have come to me, and just asked me, for I was there, right there, just waiting to say ‘yes’ to you.

The 'Wow' Moment

Before we begin, I must tell you this that I am a person who marvels at most things, and often go ‘wow’ when I am taken aback by whatever emotion is overtaking me at that moment.

Let us begin now. You know that feeling when you are literally speechless, and you have no words at all to speak or vocally express. Well, it so seems that I call that my ‘wow’ moment. For a person, who is generally and mostly not at a loss of words, the wow moment comes when the person is trying very hard to express but really can’t since his or her mind has just stopped, or as the romantics would call it, the heart has just skipped a beat.

It seems probable that there have been very few moments where I have felt like an absolute failure as far as words expressed are concerned. Hence, the moments where the opposite to the aforesaid has taken place, they have actually succeeded in making a deep impression on my very curious mind, or left long lasting scars as I would like to put it. As of now, the one that is the most fresh is of a dreadful nightmare where and when the unhappy and unbelievable had taken place. I am a believer now though, praise the Lord, and that has helped me see things for what they are, hence making my clarity of thought and general ration evolve. What earlier seemed absolutely unbelievable & so ‘marvellous’ in nature that it made me have a ‘wow’ moment all by myself, now seems quite probable and more believable, or worth my acceptance rather.

So after all of this, after opening my mind, and discovering the highly varied and intriguing perspectives of life, why is it that my very open mind, has suddenly started to display bad behavior  rather unnatural and bizarre? How ration and fearlessness generally prevailed some time back, is not what they seem to be as of the present moment leading to my very restless and unhappy state of mind. After letting go of what most of my fears seemed to be, I am now faced with one so novel and magnetic in nature, that it makes my mind forget its highly intrinsic and essential nature. Ration tells me to stay away, and nature tells me to go ahead, but the heart, is where the problem seems to be. For my fellow romantics, the heart has just skipped a beat, and I am having a ‘wow’ moment.

'Love'

If you have truly ever wondered why, and paused for a moment to ask yourself this, then here’s my perspective about your query. If there has been a time, when you have actually believed it, felt it, known it, and also doubted, “Am I in love?”, then welcome to the club, you’re a fellow homo sapien now.

How utterly ecstatic and painfully shaken it can leave you, for it is quite generally agreed upon to be the strongest of all human emotions. It is one thing which connects us all, and keeps the perfectly balanced cycle of evolution move naturally. What the Higher Power above has for us is store is just ‘love’, and that is all that we get blessed with in the long run, hence it is but natural for the creations of the Creator to reflect some similarities, love being one of the special ones.

There comes a time in everybody’s life, where they feel they’ve been shot by Cupid’s arrow, even though they might have tried to escape it all along. Once it happens, it flows quite naturally for some, whereas it blossoms over time for some. It also happens that some may feel that the story is incomplete, but then the question to be asked is, are we fully prepared to finish it beautifully now? At times, it feels like a million, gazillion, tridecazillion sharp and pointed needles are piercing through you and your dear little heart at the same time, making you almost sense it bleed beneath your strong facade. Those are however a few testing times, which only the mighty ones survive, and gather themselves from the dust, crawl through the shadows and shine bright. For those who cleverly mask all the pain beneath that beautiful smile, and deceptively but successfully appear to be pleasantly happy all the time, are mostly the ones who hearts hurt at the gnaws of grief.

Appearances again, like most things in our commercialised corporate world, can be very deceptive. It may also be, that some people are ‘truly’ and actually in love which brings us to the point now. These are the ones, who truly reflect the aura of the other, who are bound together by ties none less than fanciful destiny, who believe in the other, and see beyond each other’s flaws and accept the happiness of each other’s heart. They are genuinely happy, and can be often spotted glowing gracefully, blessed by the lovely warmth and love of the other’s spotless sunshine. And if the belief of being in ‘love’ is reflected in the other’s heart with almost an equivalent and balanced proportion, well then, it seems that they do not need any conclusions from anyone, not even me.

When you make a promise within the depths of your warm heart, to consciously keep the needs of the other one ahead of yours, and be genuinely happy for the other, even if the other’s actions are solely independent, it is then, that you discover the joy of giving, the serenity of letting go and the pure glee of the novel change with which Lady Luck awaits.