Of Sunlight and Lovers

We are in love with the idea of being in love, our hearts desperately looking for something to satiate all senses and soothe all wounds at the same time. Let's call it love !
  I myself have been long searching for something, some one, to probably fit my mould of requirements in a perfect, shapely way. Earlier my shape had many precise angles, now after being distraught, my angles are very few, flexible and jelly like. I realised I cannot put victory as my final step after putting several other things like a good heart, loyalty, an understanding candour, a love for the arts, a non stingy pocket, a killer smile, a tall shadow et all before it. So I narrowed it down, I got my demands way down thinking victory would now be achieved, much easily now. I was wrong.
  Expectation is the root of all heartaches, well stated indeed. Till the time I have even one tiny expectation out of something, some one, it is not possible to touch and feel bliss. The sunlight makes me happy, feeling the warmth caress my skin in a soft manner is a moment of magic. Surprisingly enough, it may be because I never expected the Sun to rise, I never expected it to pass and glance, I never thought of how it should be and how it shouldn't be or what I required it to be. It just was there, and it made me happy. Love or your lover may be like that, unexpected, surprising.
  Restrictions upon a person's existence , making that person compromise and become something that is not born out of one's own desire is surely a sin as bad as killing someone. We selfishly look over the other person's needs and beliefs sometimes, maybe because we are so wrapped up in our own. That is understandable, but not acceptable. If we stop expecting, and stop requiring, we would probably feel the world is a much more beautiful and wonderful place.It'll be heaven on earth, each thing being a lovely, unique and creative creation, shining in its glory.
  We can all fall in love, anyone can fall in love with anyone, it's a human emotion present in all. We just have to be more open, more straight set in our own existence and less demanding and changing.

1+1 is not 2 much

Whenever I fear I tread alone, I look up and see him smile. It is true he loves me, and will not let me go so easily.
  I came across a beautiful lady some time back, who seemed to echo something which I had hidden behind my walls, it seemed to provide me solace. The one gift which left with me for a lifetime was this -

  "If you able to find just 1 person in this world, who understands what you do, that's just enough"

 The battle that we seem to subconsciously engage in usually is the one where we try to fight the world in a futile attempt to make them see what is so clearly visible to us. I myself was a warrior in that war before I met her, and it seemed that truce and truth were finally discovered. When everyone closes their doors for you, it seems like the last one will also shut down, which often led to a place called home. That is the time, when your world gets filled with lights so bright, and winds so pure that it seems like the entire universe is actually conspiring. It may seem that conspiracies lead to things a little dark, and treacheries unheard of, but sometimes they can happen, to conclude with a mere magical miracle. Sad endings are just 'sad', exactly why we need to carry on and transform this sadness to end things with a cheerful spirit and a peaceful note.
  We may not like to entertain a few questions, not because we don't know the answers ourselves, but because we don't want to go explore or dig deep, the fear of reaching dark places clouds our mind and the idea of building a fool's paradise seems much easier. Asking is hard, asking yourself is harder and that's where most people tend to get lost. Questioning the actions of others is not really difficult, analyzing and delving int your own pool of reality is where the drowning begins. Some survive, some swim to the shore, some give up and go down and some struggle for a while before they are left with no more energy.
 Times have become different and only the fittest survive today. There is a vast difference between surviving and living and whoever sees it and manages to acknowledge the beauty in it generally gets a fair shot at achieving happiness. Happiness today, is indeed an achievement, and if you do possess even a minimal amount, be sure to flaunt it before it gets stolen or encroached upon. I had a lot, but I idiotically and openly offered it to all who came to me, and alas, quite a lot was taken that time. Fortunately, I was able to get some of it back, and now am investing it to make it multiply, it seems efficient and effective till now, let's see if I reach my final goal or not. Till then, peace out !

Breathe

I finally found the address to Novelty.
Life is funny, beautiful and priceless. Each day, each moment, each passing hour is an amazing experience worth counting. Simplicity makes things easier and better, which is precisely why it is pristine and peerless. The more we try to beat around the bush, the more we shall run away from the center of what holds the very gravity of inner selves. The heart often forgets what the mind never fails to remember, which is where one usually reaches a junction of utmost confusion caused by mere and mischievous juxtaposing of thoughts and ideas. One tiny thought, simple and straight possesses unfathomable amounts of potential waiting to be set rolling by 'I'nitiative. We let our fears affect us and take control sometimes when the situation seems to go beyond anything we could have probably gauged, anticipated or imagined. Is the obvious, nothing but a mere fantasy or is complexity within sight a reason to smile?
 The answers to all questions lie within the depths our own heart and we need to dig in deep to see and realize. All of us alive today have a reason to smile and that is all that we need to make it work. The rest is being taken care of, by the usual team of efficient co workers- karma, faith and destiny.

Love Not(e)

From the 'Bold and Beautiful' , we have sure transpired into the 'Young and Restless' of the modern world today. As Old School is starting to be considered just the first half, with a negligent look towards the later part, our ideologies, methodologies and functioning patterns are changing. The very disturbed sounds of ill will which constantly occupy one's head can often take over all melodies, and quickly transform them into symphonies, mostly bitter and not sweet.
When it seems like the world has not even given you enough space to make the smallest of all decisions by yourself, independently, it's the right time to react to the stimulus which had been subconsciously triggered long back. If one shall talk, the other must listen, if one is leading, the other must follow, if one is running, the other must chase. Certain rules set out there seem to make no sense at times, to people who always had their boundaries very clearly defined since the very beginning. To the ones who began on a some what disoriented note, this tune seems to be in sync with their very vague and uncertain mentality. These people let the others define who they are, instead of actually bothering to do some soul searching which shall probably turn out to be not as happy as they thought it would be.
As people come and go, the pages of your little visual journal get filled with memoirs, both intricately woven and carefully adorned, worth cherishing for a lifetime. As old chapters conclude to give way to fresher ones, new stories are created and time moves on. Things were gradual in the olden days, and now it seems like the world is really pacing ahead in a pointless rat race. Where most people are striving for survival in this fight, it is a common bond of a certain raw competitive feeling that binds them together. Everyone, most people at least, are so desperate to win and seize the moment, that they forget their human nature, and unleash the animal within.
But if one is a Pied Piper, must the rest play Mice? And if it was about the 'roles' that we were always playing, then why turn the page now and change the game? Let's stick to what we always were, what we always have been and what we shall always seek and find within our own souls. Let's not reverse roles, let's not go back in time. Let's look ahead, and bravely move forward, for even though we may be slightly illiterate, we shall learn soon enough. One by one, step by step, we shall soon progress, learn and understand the ways of the new world.
If the world has changed, then who must question it, who is deserving enough to challenge it for a fair game? For if it has finally evolved into a sport for most, then let the teams begin, and fight till the end, for the match point is still left to be chased, and 'shewolf' is still in the ghetto.

Dear Lilac

Dear Lilac,

 I watch you pass me by every day, nonchalant, indifferent, so unaware of my presence. I look at you from a distance, trying to avoid your eye and not let you catch me catch a glimpse of you, and then again, I slap my forehead, to remind myself that you probably never will, even if I wanted you to, for once.

 I cannot help, but see the two of us, in a different light, in a different scenario, in a happier and more honest place. I see us together, in our sweet little world, so comfortable, happy and satiated in each other’s company, because that is all that we’d ever need. I see us, together, not only sharing the highs of life, but also sticking by each other’s side when the harsh winds blow. I see one of us fall down, and get up again with the support of the hand that shall always be there when the world and times challenge our strength and patience. I see us grow old together, share a drink and a few innocent laughs in memory of the time when we were so unaware that the world could ever blossom into such a wonderful place and so ignorant of our incomplete state of existence without each other.

  As I snap back to reality, I fade into the background again, for you never knew me, never acknowledged my existence and never let me through. I waited, patiently, persistently and painfully, for you to give me just one sign, say just one word or just give me the confidence which I always lacked, with a simple look of your eye. I am scared of your reaction; I know not the desires of your heart or the doubts of your mind. Each time I see you sad, I feel you could do so much better in my arms, where I would protect you from whatever causes you the most miniscule of misery or torment. But I am scared, I am doubtful and I do not wish to take chances with something that is so close to my heart, for even the slightest of disagreement over the issue will cause me to break and bleed until I wish to feel no more, nothing more.

All I can do is watch, and wait, for I am still waiting, for you to give me one hint, one moment, one chance. I have nothing, no concrete foundation to lay my hopes on; nothing to hang by, for your side of the story seems like just an uncertain and unfinished faint hope of my heart. I do not know what you feel, or if you even have the slightest idea about what turbulence these uncertain yet highly passionate thoughts cause in my ocean of emotions. Words seem to escape the wretched clutches of the tongue, and the echoes within my eyes seem to ricochet within their capturing walls, because you fail to see what I truly feel and what I want to say so desperately to you.

I feel so much for you, and have so much to say, if I only knew that you had an exclusive moment for me, which you’d gladly give to me without regretting it. I just need that sign from you, I am just waiting for you.

Unsent

Dear Red,

  I have often seen those American sitcoms, where two characters, both distraught with the incessant tries, highly unsuccessful ones, of searching for the ‘right one’, start having a drunken conversation about the common factor- their lost hope of hitting the target. They then go on, to drink even more, together however this time, bonding over misery, lack of love and stability, only to decide by the end of the night that if by the time they are 40 and still unmarried, they will marry each other, a contract/ decision/ moment of tom foolery rather, which makes their lonesome misery seem a little less morbid, and their lonely future slightly less lonely.

If right now, I were to make such a decision, and choose one person as my 40 year old groom, it would be you. I seem to find complacence in the thought of having you by my side, at the time where I will be at my neediest worst, seeking warmth and a hand to hold. The thought of having a future with you makes me feel very safe, something which brings a lot of relief and peace to a person as insecure and complex as me.

It all seems like a perfect painting, the Sun setting on our happy faces, when our heart’s warm glow seems to mirror the Sun’s natural and very consistent energy. The future, my perception, just brings a smile to my face, and the much needed thinly woven thread, by which I choose to hang and be happy about something which in all honesty I know, is quite improbable.

Even as I try to drown myself in my illusion of utter glee, the sharp edged needle of reality instantly bursts my balloon, even before it prepares to take off. I question myself, if the future seems so effortlessly pleasant, then why does the present not seem correlated to it at all? If I see us together, even in the most delusional of ways, then why can’t I do that at present? Perhaps because I know that the vision that I have for the future is a mere lie, which gives me solace owing to its candor of not being real ever. Hence not being capable of corrupt, disappointing or destroyed in any way, like most things in real life. I know that at 40, you will be a successful, married man, with a woman who deserves someone as honest and kind as you, with someone who is simple to understand, and who was lucky enough to be at the right place, at the right time, with the right balls and everything complying to the ‘right’ that I never was, never could be.

As I watch this chance slip right through my hands, I realize it is one of those times, where I could have done something, but chose not to all because of the fears and insecurities of my heart. When I watch you, all I can think of is being with you, sharing your life, being the reliable shoulder when you need it, and echoing your cheer whenever you indulge in a moment of your cute and carefree laughter.

Maybe I will regret it 20 years down the line, maybe I will beat myself up over and over again for letting the mere distance of a few words separate us further than any number of miles could have. We were there, together, in front of each other, and I just wasn’t brave enough to simply ‘say’ what I felt. Had I taken my chance, the huge burden of never knowing how things would turn out to be, would have not weighed my heart and mind down for so many years. How I wish, for once, you would have come to me, and just asked me, for I was there, right there, just waiting to say ‘yes’ to you.

The 'Wow' Moment

Before we begin, I must tell you this that I am a person who marvels at most things, and often go ‘wow’ when I am taken aback by whatever emotion is overtaking me at that moment.

Let us begin now. You know that feeling when you are literally speechless, and you have no words at all to speak or vocally express. Well, it so seems that I call that my ‘wow’ moment. For a person, who is generally and mostly not at a loss of words, the wow moment comes when the person is trying very hard to express but really can’t since his or her mind has just stopped, or as the romantics would call it, the heart has just skipped a beat.

It seems probable that there have been very few moments where I have felt like an absolute failure as far as words expressed are concerned. Hence, the moments where the opposite to the aforesaid has taken place, they have actually succeeded in making a deep impression on my very curious mind, or left long lasting scars as I would like to put it. As of now, the one that is the most fresh is of a dreadful nightmare where and when the unhappy and unbelievable had taken place. I am a believer now though, praise the Lord, and that has helped me see things for what they are, hence making my clarity of thought and general ration evolve. What earlier seemed absolutely unbelievable & so ‘marvellous’ in nature that it made me have a ‘wow’ moment all by myself, now seems quite probable and more believable, or worth my acceptance rather.

So after all of this, after opening my mind, and discovering the highly varied and intriguing perspectives of life, why is it that my very open mind, has suddenly started to display bad behavior  rather unnatural and bizarre? How ration and fearlessness generally prevailed some time back, is not what they seem to be as of the present moment leading to my very restless and unhappy state of mind. After letting go of what most of my fears seemed to be, I am now faced with one so novel and magnetic in nature, that it makes my mind forget its highly intrinsic and essential nature. Ration tells me to stay away, and nature tells me to go ahead, but the heart, is where the problem seems to be. For my fellow romantics, the heart has just skipped a beat, and I am having a ‘wow’ moment.